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[laughter] >> jon: jon stewart, "the daily show." i have a quick question. as a frequent radioshack customer, i may be qualified to tell you what may be an issue with your plan, but go ahead. >> the problem with it was the limited battery life. [laughter and applause] >> jon: see, the batteries at radioshack are designed to work with one of those little remote control helicopters that work... once. [laughter] so now that we know the g.p.s. tracking system for the assault rifles we sold mexican cartels didn't work, how do we find out where the guns are? what is plan "b"? >> the only way you're going to find those guns in mexico is where? >> at crime scenes in which either the bad guy was killed and his gun was left at the scene or used during the commission of a crime in which the gun was left behind. >> jon: okay. [laughter] so our plan to prevent american guns from being used in mexican gang violence is to provide mexican gangs american guns. [laughter] to use according to our plan. [laughter] how exactly did we convince the mexican government to cooperate
[laughter] >> jon: jon stewart, "the daily show." i have a quick question. as a frequent radioshack customer, i may be qualified to tell you what may be an issue with your plan, but go ahead. >> the problem with it was the limited battery life. [laughter and applause] >> jon: see, the batteries at radioshack are designed to work with one of those little remote control helicopters that work... once. [laughter] so now that we know the g.p.s. tracking system for the...
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>> jon: but isn't that... isn't it easy to say that it's a very easy thing to do to dismiss it, not all organizations that claim to be partisan are as such and they're not all created equal and what is the thing that is stymieing the debate? or allowing it to be honest? what is it that's preventing, in your mind, the honest aspect of it? >> because i think people don't listen. i think that it's right now as i said people get locked into one perspective or another and, you know, it's part of what's going on. and gulf stream to web sites with other like-minded people. they even get into subgroups of that web site and if you're not exactly on target, you're a bad guy. if you don't agree with me, you're a traitor. the last book i wrote "enough" was about bill cosby and cosby saying "we've got problems in the black community, out-of-wedlock births, high dropout rates, acceptance of the drug culture. we have to stop this." and cosby, all of a sudden he was labeled a bad guy, he's airing dirty laundry. look at what's
>> jon: but isn't that... isn't it easy to say that it's a very easy thing to do to dismiss it, not all organizations that claim to be partisan are as such and they're not all created equal and what is the thing that is stymieing the debate? or allowing it to be honest? what is it that's preventing, in your mind, the honest aspect of it? >> because i think people don't listen. i think that it's right now as i said people get locked into one perspective or another and, you know, it's...
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[laughter] >> jon: so even student council is bad? >> well, it's a gateway office, jon. [laughter] >> jon: john, i have a friend. i want to talk to you about him, a teenager. his son is a teenager, recently turned sullen and combative, and he's quite secretive. >> well, lucky him, john, he's okay. a time to worry is when your child becomes suspiciously extroverted, if he's suddenly fond of corny jokes or likes to walk around the dinner table shaking hands and asking, what's good here? what are we eating? when the neighbors bring a baby over, does he kiss it repeatedly on the cheek over and over again looking for the cameras? if so, bing, you he could be looking at four to eight years in the illinois statehouse followed by 15 to 20 years in prison. >> jon: terrifying, john. do you think it's getting through to the next generation? >> we can only hope, but it's not for lack of trying. already they're launching a statewide campaign to keep kids on the right track. talk to your children, jon, talk to your kids before it's too late. >> jon: thank you so much, john oliver with
[laughter] >> jon: so even student council is bad? >> well, it's a gateway office, jon. [laughter] >> jon: john, i have a friend. i want to talk to you about him, a teenager. his son is a teenager, recently turned sullen and combative, and he's quite secretive. >> well, lucky him, john, he's okay. a time to worry is when your child becomes suspiciously extroverted, if he's suddenly fond of corny jokes or likes to walk around the dinner table shaking hands and asking,...
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jon jon what do they want foreigners to know when they become a citizen? >> a lot of multiple choice questions, but nothing absports. not one sport question. >> jon: what did they ask about? >> history, politics. >> jon: please. we don't know anything about that. why should you have to? well, it's always very nice to see you. and you'll come back for the wizard of oz prequel because i'm excited about that. is it for kids, too? >> yes, yes. >> jon: "the whistleblower" opens in new york and l.a. august 5th. expands to other cities throughout august. >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, yourme
jon jon what do they want foreigners to know when they become a citizen? >> a lot of multiple choice questions, but nothing absports. not one sport question. >> jon: what did they ask about? >> history, politics. >> jon: please. we don't know anything about that. why should you have to? well, it's always very nice to see you. and you'll come back for the wizard of oz prequel because i'm excited about that. is it for kids, too? >> yes, yes. >> jon: "the...
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. >> jon: yes! finally. ( applause ) let me tell you what's going on. i do an interview with chris wallace. i mentioned fox news viewers were the most consistently misinformed viewers in every poll. politifact said i shouldn't have said every poll. just most. i brought up a 21 lie salute of politifact spot fact checking so i assume that chris wallace now begins the work of apologizing for fox's many false and misleading statements. probably do a blooper show and carry us into the 2014 midterm s with a clear conscious. >> do you believe that fox news is exactly the ideological equivalent... of nbc news. >> i think we're the counterweight. i think they have a liberal agenda. i think we tell the other side of the story. jon seemed to think that was a big deal that i said we tell the other side of the story. i wish i had said the full story. here's what i meant. >> jon: wait. that was a big deal that you said that. that's your setting the record straight? i accidentally told the truth and wish i could t
. >> jon: yes! finally. ( applause ) let me tell you what's going on. i do an interview with chris wallace. i mentioned fox news viewers were the most consistently misinformed viewers in every poll. politifact said i shouldn't have said every poll. just most. i brought up a 21 lie salute of politifact spot fact checking so i assume that chris wallace now begins the work of apologizing for fox's many false and misleading statements. probably do a blooper show and carry us into the 2014...
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right there. >> jon: i tried that once. with him? >> with him. >> jon: jumped on. with another friend, vomited about 30 seconds. for me, that's like riding with the blue angels. that's like i'm never doing that again. you got to do it once. >> i have to say sincerely i was so impressed by him. i means that's a pretty bold move to go and perform at lincoln center singing, you know, sondheim in front of 3,000 people. and that's sort of out of his comfort zone and he was just really great at it. >> jon: i actually went and saw it live. it was tremendous. >> thank you. >> jon: and i thoroughly enjoyed all of you guys but i was stunned that you had-- i heard you had like two weekends to work on it. they put on a full production of company, like an 18 hour play -- >> it's not. >> jon: and you learned the singing and the dancing was extraordinary that you even had the time to put it together. >> once a year they like to do a semi staged concert version of a show as a gala. and this was frar from semi staged. i think they said that just to get us all to sign up. and then w
right there. >> jon: i tried that once. with him? >> with him. >> jon: jumped on. with another friend, vomited about 30 seconds. for me, that's like riding with the blue angels. that's like i'm never doing that again. you got to do it once. >> i have to say sincerely i was so impressed by him. i means that's a pretty bold move to go and perform at lincoln center singing, you know, sondheim in front of 3,000 people. and that's sort of out of his comfort zone and he was...
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. >> jon: two years ago. >> a year ago. >> jon: but you held on to it fine wine. you wanted to age the show. >> i wanted to ride that baby as long as i could. listen, i didn't know i was going to get spiderman. i am going to ride that into the ground. >> jon: is that why it happened. >> i got spiderman so i quit rescue me. >> jon: you got spiderman. >> that will make a great movie franchise. you can't catch the premier of rescue me wednesday on 10:00 on fx this is the final season. >> this is it, baby. >> jon: what are you, seriously like [bleep] tellee savalas all of a sudden. >> yeah, with hair. >> jon: you can also see denis learing and friends on the thinning the herd tour. >> oh, that's right, i'm on tour. >> jon: wednesday night at -- >> you can read this why can't you reads one of tease books when they come out. >> and at the these never new jersey july 15th. denis leary. (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. kid rock is going to be here. here is your moment of zen. >> the defense is sloppy and these could have been
. >> jon: two years ago. >> a year ago. >> jon: but you held on to it fine wine. you wanted to age the show. >> i wanted to ride that baby as long as i could. listen, i didn't know i was going to get spiderman. i am going to ride that into the ground. >> jon: is that why it happened. >> i got spiderman so i quit rescue me. >> jon: you got spiderman. >> that will make a great movie franchise. you can't catch the premier of rescue me wednesday on...
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wow. >> no, no. >> jon: wow! >> no. >> jon: i needed that. i needed that. >> you're welcome. >> jon: thank you. >> you're welcome. >> jon: though that was a little harder than in rehearsal and it was more on the eye than i thought it was going to be. >> i don't believe in half measures and i don't know how to fake slap anyway. >> jon: that's going to leave a mark. just because this guy runs a therapy practice that perpetrates a terrible so shiite al crime on gay people itç doesn't mean i should give. in we talked about in this group, jon. comedy is a choice. you weren't born this way. >> jon: i know. i know that. >> you understand? >> jon: i do know that. >> you can resist it. you must resist it. >> jon: it's so hard jerry. >> instead of going for the cheap gay joke try watching the footage. make astute observations. he's a big man. he is dancing. what kind of dance is he doing? >> jon: it's called the the shag. that's a funny name. he has a funny name. >> jon: marcus bachmann y is that funny? >> bachmann? is that a classical music superher
wow. >> no, no. >> jon: wow! >> no. >> jon: i needed that. i needed that. >> you're welcome. >> jon: thank you. >> you're welcome. >> jon: though that was a little harder than in rehearsal and it was more on the eye than i thought it was going to be. >> i don't believe in half measures and i don't know how to fake slap anyway. >> jon: that's going to leave a mark. just because this guy runs a therapy practice that perpetrates a...
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. >> jon: captain america! (cheers and applause) >> jon: let me get you caught up. while many americans were enjoying america's fast food sidewalks and justy dashboard steaks our country moved close ever to self-inflicted economic coulds la, something we have known has been companying for as long as we have been told, it's coming. >> treasury secretary tim geithner sut approximatinging a date on what says would be a national disaster, as early as parch 31st. >> we can give congress until the end of june. >> geithner says the nation will disolve on its dead july 8th. >> moved the drop dead date from july 8th to august 2 wnd if congress doesn't act by the second they will put our-- they will downgrade our credit, first time in history, and if that happens, are you going to see cat strafk damage across the american economy and across the global economy. >> jon: the only other catastrophe that's moved its date this often was spicerman turn off the darbling. (laughter) (laughter) 112th congress has been completely unable to muster a debt sealing agreement to avoid eye ho
. >> jon: captain america! (cheers and applause) >> jon: let me get you caught up. while many americans were enjoying america's fast food sidewalks and justy dashboard steaks our country moved close ever to self-inflicted economic coulds la, something we have known has been companying for as long as we have been told, it's coming. >> treasury secretary tim geithner sut approximatinging a date on what says would be a national disaster, as early as parch 31st. >> we can...
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name is jon stewart. big show. big, big, big, big, big show. our guests tonight, we have on tonight's program pakistan's former president pervez musharraf. my guess is we'll have a delightful beverage and a lovely conversation. (cheers and applause) so let's begin tonight with the on going "news of the world" phone hacking scandal. to get you caught up, a seemingly simple story. ma and pa owned newspaper hacking into a murdered little girl's phone and... (laughter). ... paying the police to cover it up. has unfortunately turned ugly. (laughter) as of now, london's two top policemen at scotland yard let's call them officer blu rotton has resigned. andrew colton has been arrested and sunday tragically authorities arrested poor mrs. weasley. (laughter) wait, no that's not mrs. weasley. sorry, tragically, authorities arrested the guy from simply red. yeah, that's it. actually, arrested was rebekah brooks, the woman who ran "news of the world" during the worst of-- as the british call them-- the troubles. (lau
name is jon stewart. big show. big, big, big, big, big show. our guests tonight, we have on tonight's program pakistan's former president pervez musharraf. my guess is we'll have a delightful beverage and a lovely conversation. (cheers and applause) so let's begin tonight with the on going "news of the world" phone hacking scandal. to get you caught up, a seemingly simple story. ma and pa owned newspaper hacking into a murdered little girl's phone and... (laughter). ... paying the...
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senator minority whip jon kyl drew the line in the sand on sunday. >> nervounless the president gef his absolute obsession with raising taxes, republicans won't do anything to harm our economy. job-killing taxes harm our economy. there will not be a default. as to whether or not we can achieve savings in the process dpentding on the president. >> i did not hear the world probably. i heard the word not. republicans would rather see the markets crash, unemployment go through the roof and americans in bread lines before they raise one damn dime in taxes. when it comes to the debt crisis, republicans are only interested in playing rush roulette with the stupid catchphrases. >> let's let the american people decide if they want like cutting spends, capping the growth in government and requiring a balanced budget amendment to the constitution. let's have a national debate. >> to cut cap and balance plan in the house. >> cut the deficit, put a straitjacket on it and balance the budget, the cut, cap and balance. >> i want to make sure we cut spending here in washington. i want to make smur we ha
senator minority whip jon kyl drew the line in the sand on sunday. >> nervounless the president gef his absolute obsession with raising taxes, republicans won't do anything to harm our economy. job-killing taxes harm our economy. there will not be a default. as to whether or not we can achieve savings in the process dpentding on the president. >> i did not hear the world probably. i heard the word not. republicans would rather see the markets crash, unemployment go through the roof...
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i'm jon haber of alto music. my business is all about getting music into people's hands. and the plum card from american express open helps me do that. you name it, i can buy it. and the savings that we get from the early pay discount has given us money to reinvest back into our business and help quadruple our floor space. how can the plum card's trade terms get your business booming? booming is putting more music in more people's hands. the doctor leaned over and said to me, "you just beat the widow-maker." i was put on an aspirin, and it's part of my regimen now. [ male announcer ] be sure to talk to your doctor before you begin an aspirin regimen. go see your doctor now. [ female announcer ] something unexpected to the world of multigrain... taste. ♪ delicious pringles multigrain. with a variety of flavors, multigrain pops with pringles. delicious pringles multigrain. can getting enough vegetables make you feel good? oh, yeah. v8 juice gives you 3 of your 5 daily servings of vegetables. v8. what's your number? >>> topping the headlines right now on "andrea mitchell
i'm jon haber of alto music. my business is all about getting music into people's hands. and the plum card from american express open helps me do that. you name it, i can buy it. and the savings that we get from the early pay discount has given us money to reinvest back into our business and help quadruple our floor space. how can the plum card's trade terms get your business booming? booming is putting more music in more people's hands. the doctor leaned over and said to me, "you just...
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jon stewart picked up on all of it with chuck schumer. >> the democratic response to the republicans use of that clip from the movie the town did lead to one of my favorite recent moments on cable news. i give you chuck schumer's movie break down show. >> in the scene, they chose to inspire their house freshmen, one of the crooks gives a pep talk to the other right before they both put on hockey masks, bludgeon two men with sticks, and shoot a man in the leg. >> join us next week when i, chuck assume, revishu schumer, i classic the star wars. in this film, a large asthmatic man dressed in black plastic cuts the arm off of a boy wearing pajamas with some type of a glow stick. and here's the part you won't believe. the man in the suit is the boy's father. >> pretty good summary. still ahead on "way too early," why are you awake? tweets, texts and e-mails are next. emily's just starting out... and on a budget. like a ramen noodle- every-night budget. she thought allstate car insurance was out of her reach. until she heard about the value plan. and saving money with allstate doesn't stop
jon stewart picked up on all of it with chuck schumer. >> the democratic response to the republicans use of that clip from the movie the town did lead to one of my favorite recent moments on cable news. i give you chuck schumer's movie break down show. >> in the scene, they chose to inspire their house freshmen, one of the crooks gives a pep talk to the other right before they both put on hockey masks, bludgeon two men with sticks, and shoot a man in the leg. >> join us next...
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>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. kid rock is going to be here. here is your moment of zen. >> the defense is sloppy and these could have been asked the first three times they called him to the stand. this defense is like a fart in a blizzard. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight surprising revelations about the beatles. they may have run out of new formats in which you must rebuy all their music. and now the natural gas industry tries to counter bad press. i suggest blaming the gas on the dog dog. slav (laughter) >> then i sit down with the founding publisher of skeptic magazine, or so he claims (laughter) >> a new study found that men like to cuddle and another new study shows that men will say anything to dpet a researcher into bed. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow! >> stephen, step
>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. kid rock is going to be here. here is your moment of zen. >> the defense is sloppy and these could have been asked the first three times they called him to the stand. this defense is like a fart in a blizzard. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight surprising revelations about the beatles. they may have run out of new formats in which you must...
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. >> jon: he --. >> stephen: he told me. >> why doesn't he talk to me. >> stephen: because you don't believe. >> but if being talked to depends on whether i believe or not that means it doesn't really exist, it's all up here in my head which is the point in my book which it is all up here. >> stephen: oh, book. michael shermer thank you so much. the book is the beliefing brain. we'll be right back. >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night! (cheers and applause)
. >> jon: he --. >> stephen: he told me. >> why doesn't he talk to me. >> stephen: because you don't believe. >> but if being talked to depends on whether i believe or not that means it doesn't really exist, it's all up here in my head which is the point in my book which it is all up here. >> stephen: oh, book. michael shermer thank you so much. the book is the beliefing brain. we'll be right back. >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good...
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>> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the fcc rules about whether i can talk about my pac on the air. spoilary all right, i'm talking about my pac on the air. then, can we trust pakistan to find out i'll close my eyes and fall into their arms. (laughter) >> stephen: and my guest timothy garton ash believes reporting the facts can change the course of history. then again, so can wikipedia. a french couple has adopted a 265 pound gor la. and in tomorrow's news, a french couple is malled by newly orphanned gor la. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! thank you for joining us. thank you, everybody. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: beautiful, thank you so much, everybody. you're too kind. (cheers and applause) >> stephe
>> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the fcc rules about whether i can talk about my pac on the air. spoilary all right, i'm talking about my pac on the air. then, can we trust pakistan to find out i'll close my eyes and fall into their arms. (laughter) >> stephen: and my guest timothy garton ash believes reporting the facts can change...
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. >> jon: he --. >> stephen: he told me. >> why doesn't he talk to me. >> stephen: because you don't believe. >> but if being talked to depends on whether i believe or not that means it doesn't really exist, it's all up here in my head which is the point in my book which it is all up here. >> stephen: oh, book. michael shermer thank you so much. the book is the beliefing brain. brain. we'll be right back. ...was it something big? ...or something small? ...something old? ...or something new? ...or maybe, just maybe... it's something you haven't seen yet. the 2nd generation of intel core processors. stunning visuals, intelligent performance. this is visibly smart. met an old man at the top asked him if he had a secret and the old man stopped and thought and said: free 'cause that's how it ought to be my brother credit 'cause you'll need a loan for one thing or another score 'cause they break it down to one simple number that you can use dot to take a break because the name is kinda long com in honor of the internet that it's on put it all together at the end of the song it gives you fr
. >> jon: he --. >> stephen: he told me. >> why doesn't he talk to me. >> stephen: because you don't believe. >> but if being talked to depends on whether i believe or not that means it doesn't really exist, it's all up here in my head which is the point in my book which it is all up here. >> stephen: oh, book. michael shermer thank you so much. the book is the beliefing brain. brain. we'll be right back. ...was it something big? ...or something small?...
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night i believe at 11:00. luis c.k.will be in the studio with us. unfortunately you people will not. here it is your moment of zen. >> found a place to cool off. >> surfing the seal river. check that out. have you ever seen anything like that? >> new york city plans to feed geese to the homeless. the city will actually send the birds captured around its airports to pennsylvania to a >> stephen: tonight the fcc rules about whether i can talk about my pac on the air. spoilary all right, i'm talking about my pac on the air. then, can we trust pakistan to find out i'll close my eyes and fall into their arms. (laughter) >> stephen: and my guest timothy garton ash believes reporting the facts can change the course of history. then again, so can wikipedia. a french couple has adopted a 265 pound gor la. and in tomorrow's news, a french couple is malled by newly orphanned gor la. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to t
( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night i believe at 11:00. luis c.k.will be in the studio with us. unfortunately you people will not. here it is your moment of zen. >> found a place to cool off. >> surfing the seal river. check that out. have you ever seen anything like that? >> new york city plans to feed geese to the homeless. the city will actually send the birds captured around its airports to pennsylvania to a >> stephen:...
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. >> jon: he --. >> stephen: he told me. >> why doesn't he talk to me. >> stephen: because you don't believe. >> but if being talked to depends on whether i believe or not that means it doesn't really exist, it's all up here in my head which is the point in my book which it is all up here. >> stephen: oh, book. michael shermer thank you so much. the book is the beliefing brain. we'll be right back. ice breakers mints with icy-cool flavor crystals. ice breakers. stay cool. i was worried about 'em, you know? i mean for instance my mom went to bed tonight before making my dinner. which is fine, i mean i, i know how to make dinner. it just starts to make you wonder. is this what happens when you age? my friends used to say i was the lucky one. i had the fun parents. where's the fun now? night, guys. [ sighs ] ♪ [ male announcer ] toyota venza. keep on rolling. ♪ i like your messy hair ♪ i like the clothes you wear ♪ i like the way you sing ♪ and when you dance with me ♪ you always make me smile [ male announcer ] we believe you're at your best when you can relax and be yourse
. >> jon: he --. >> stephen: he told me. >> why doesn't he talk to me. >> stephen: because you don't believe. >> but if being talked to depends on whether i believe or not that means it doesn't really exist, it's all up here in my head which is the point in my book which it is all up here. >> stephen: oh, book. michael shermer thank you so much. the book is the beliefing brain. we'll be right back. ice breakers mints with icy-cool flavor crystals. ice...